Layne’s Story – Part Eleven

We spent about forty-five minutes in the NICU that night holding our sweet Layne.  Looking back, I am 100% convinced my body was in shock. I was just a few hours out from major surgery and neither of us knew how to process what was happening.  Just minutes prior we were all up in my room with the highest hopes that she was going to make it.  She had already accomplished so much.  She survived birth and surgery to remove a portion of her lung, so how can this be happening? How am I meeting and holding my daughter for the first-time minutes after she took her last breath?  Our minds were racing and all these thoughts were running through my head, but all I could focus on was holding her and taking every single minute in.  I wanted to study everything about her and remember it forever.  Before long a chaplain steps into our make-shift NICU room and asked if he could pray over us.   I remember thinking I cannot believe this is happening. I could feel his hurt for us.  It was so visible.  You could feel the hurt everyone around the NICU had for us, and it made us feel like we were not alone in all of this.  

As we were sitting there, taking turns holding her, one of the nurses asked if we were ready to take her up to our room.  In that moment I had no idea how to answer that question.  I had zero idea on what the protocol for spending time with your deceased baby looked like.  I did not even know taking her up to our room was an option.  I had to ask the nurses what other parents in our situation do, because I just had no idea.  I never let the thought of her passing creep into my mind, so I was not prepared with how to deal with such a question.  And to be honest, I was in a Facebook group for parents of CCAM babies and I had only read of two cases where the baby passed.  TWO cases, that is it.  That group has 2,773 people in it and plenty of stories that were as severe as ours.  The odds of her not making it seemed so low, so I never let my mind wonder to that dark place, and therefore I never prepared myself for the moment when a nurse would ask if I was ready to take my deceased daughter up to my room.  In retrospect, I am so beyond grateful for the time I was given with Layne, all thanks to that nurse who encouraged me to spend as much time as possible with her. 

As I am being wheeled back up to my room, I remember thinking how are we going to tell our parents she is gone.  I’m sure they could tell by our tear-soaked faces and puffy eyes, but I was not sure I was going to be able to form the words “she passed away”.  As we approached the room, I make contact with my dad first and I immediately burst into tears.  They already knew.   My mom was out in the hall calling Jeff’s parents, who were minutes away from the hospital with my sister, about her passing.  Everything was happening so fast and as if Layne’s passing was not enough, I was starting to feel all the pain from the C-section.  Every move hurt.  

Once things settled down a bit the nurse came back into our room to get me out of the wheelchair and back into the hospital bed. I was in so much pain.  My lower abdomen was on fire and every single move felt like the lower half of my body was being ripped away from my top half.  The meds they had given me in the OR were quickly wearing off and I was starting to get pretty miserable.  My heart was hurting, my body was hurting, and my milk was coming in fiercely.  It all felt like a terrible nightmare. At one point the nurse was stuffing my one-size to small bra (to add pressure) with maxi-pads to try and dry up my milk and I was in so much pain from her just pressing on my abdomen right above the seven-inch scar on my stomach from an emergency C-section to deliver my extremely sick daughter that would pass away five short hours later.  When I say it felt like a nightmare, I meant it.  It was awful.    

At this point it was close to 1 AM and Jeff’s parents and my sister had just arrived.  We were all in the room and shortly after they arrived the nurse wheeled Layne in.  She had been down in the NICU getting prepped and cleaned to come up to our room.  After she was settled and the nurse left, we took that opportunity to introduce our parents and my sister to their very first granddaughter and niece.  It was a special moment for us, and although it looked much different than the “traditional” way, it was our reality, and I am thankful they were able to meet her.  They all gathered around her while she was laying so peacefully in her bassinet.  We all took turns holding her.  It was such a special moment for us, and both of our families. As the night progressed everyone was running on adrenaline, especially Jeff and I.  We were exhausted and needed sleep, but had zero intentions of falling asleep.  We wanted to cherish every single moment with Layne.  Our parents left the hospital around 4 AM that morning.  They were all staying in a hotel about 30 minutes from the hospital and just like us, they needed rest.  I think Jeff and I got maybe an hour or two of sleep that night.  We were beyond tired, but couldn’t sleep.  

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The next morning Jeff and I continued to spend as much time with Layne as we could.  We took picture after picture in hopes of capturing our short short time with her in as many photos as possible.  I never wanted to forget anything about her, and to this day I still look at all her pictures. I am so thankful for them.  Later that morning a few child life specialists came by to help us create a few keepsakes.  We created handprints and footprints on cardstock, a molding of her feet, and they helped cut a lock of her hair.  I will cherish these keepsakes forever; besides my memories, these are all I have of Layne.  Later that afternoon our parents and my sister arrived back at the hospital to spend the day with us.  I was almost 24 hours post-surgery and still in a lot of pain, but it was so nice to have the company.  I am so grateful to our parents and my sister for being there for Jeff and I. Their company and support really got us through those hard days after her passing.  I am not sure how Jeff and I would of done it if we didn’t have their support.

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