Layne’s Story – Part Twelve

As much as I did not want to believe it, our time with Layne was coming to an end.  Physically, I was healing wonderfully, and therefore discharge was quickly approaching.  I remember laying in the hospital bed holding her with tears rolling down my face because I knew in a few short hours I would be handing my daughter over to the nurses at CHOP and I would never see her physical body ever again.  It was heartbreaking.  It is still heartbreaking.  My biggest fear would be that I would forget.  I would forget how she looked, or how her body felt in my arms, or the fact that she had a tiny little freckle in the corner of her eye, or that she had strawberry blonde hair, or that she had the most perfect little hands.  I was terrified that I would forget every little detail about her, and it broke my heart.  It was by far the hardest concept I had to come to terms with, and in those moments I was struggling.  I could not wrap my head around the fact that I would never have the opportunity to pick my daughter up and hold her ever again.  It was tough.

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Monday morning, my expected discharge date, was approaching and there was still a lot of details that needed to be planned.  Questions started populating around a funeral and what our wishes were, and I remember being so overwhelmed.  I had no idea how to plan a funeral, who to call, or even where to begin.  Just the idea of starting to plan a service gave me so much anxiety and as the conversations were started around a service Jeff and I were sure of one thing – we did not want her to be cremated.  We wanted her body to be back in VA and have her buried in a place that we could visit as often as we wanted.  

At this point we were in full planning mode.  My mother-in-law really took the lead on this, and I still cannot express how thankful I am that she took charge and did all the leg work for us.  She first had to make contact with a funeral home in Philadelphia. The hospital provided us with a list of funeral homes they generally work with, and since we were not local we took this information with open arms.  My mother-in-law started reaching out to a few and we narrowed down who we wanted to use pretty fast.  After speaking with Trish, the funeral director of the funeral home we picked, we knew we had made the right decision.  She was absolutely amazing and went above and beyond to ensure our wishes were met.  She has a non-profit organization called Final Farewell.  Their mission is to provide guidance and financial assistance to a grieving family so they are able to plan a funeral for a loved child.  It is an absolutely amazing foundation and Jeff and I have to credit Trish in honoring all our wishes and doing everything she did for us.  

After determining what funeral home, we were using in PA and what funeral home we were using in VA it was time to discuss how we were going to get Layne home.  Trish provided us with two options: 1.) She would put her on a plane free of charge and fly her home to VA or 2.) We could transport her back to VA with the provided permits and permissions.  After a lot of thought and discussion Jeff and I made the tough decision to transport her ourselves.  First off, neither of us knew this was ever an option until it was brought up, so we were a little caught off guard.  Secondly, we had an idea of how much it would cost to fly her body from PA to VA because we had been doing our own research since we knew we wanted her back home, and it was an outrageous amount.  Final Farewell is a non-profit organization that thrives off donations, and it did not sit right with us to expect them to pay for a plane ticket when we had the means to get her home.  We both would want that money to go toward another family that may be in a different situation and NEEDED that plane ticket to get their child home. It was a difficult decision, but in the end we felt it was right.  

After it was determined how she was getting home we had to discuss where she was going to be laid to rest.  Jeff and I had put zero thought into our own burial plans and certainly had not thought about where we were going to bury our children, so we were starting from square one.  A lot of questions about our future and advance directive planning were being asked and like many 26-year-olds, we had never talked about it.  In planning her funeral, it forced Jeff and I to start having the conversations about what our wishes are and what we wanted for the three of us in the future.  In having these conversations Jeff and I were sure of two things:  One being we wanted her close so that we could visit at any time, and two we knew we wanted to plan her burial around the idea that Jeff and I also wanted to be near her when our time comes.  Our second want was a little tough to work around because Jeff and I were not financially prepared to purchase three plots, two for us and one for her.  It is very costly to plan and purchase plots.  Around this time my grandparents, who are both still living, graciously offered Layne to be laid to rest in their mausoleum that they purchased years ago. They offered this as either a temporary solution until Jeff and I could financially afford three plots or more permanently as a place she can stay forever.  This was such a blessing to Jeff and I as we loved the idea of knowing if we left her there forever she would be close to family or if/when Jeff and I purchase our own plots she can be moved to be with us.  It was the best solution for us at that time and we could not be more thankful to my grandparents.  

As Sunday evening approached, I was getting more and more nervous about having to say goodbye to Layne’s physical body forever.   Planning for getting her home and everything with the funeral had already been done.  Our parents had just left the hospital for the night and everything was scheduled for me to be discharged from the hospital early the next morning.  Just a few hours prior, Jeff and I made the decision to say our final goodbyes to Layne on Sunday night at midnight.  We made this decision for a number of reasons.  The number one reason being the amount of changes we were noticing with her body.  I will spare you the details, but it was devastating. We had already witnessed so much transition within her little body in the 48 short hours we had her, and we wanted to say our final goodbye with her still looking her best. It was the hardest decision Jeff and I ever had to make.  I remember laying in the hospital bed holding her saying we will call the nurse in five more minutes.  Well five more minutes would come and pass and neither of us could find the desire to make the call.  

After two additional hours of holding and loving on her Jeff and I made the decision that it was time.  On Monday January 20, 2020 at 1:26 AM Jeff and I said our final goodbye to our sweet little girl.  It was the hardest goodbye either of us ever had to make.  The nurse came in and Jeff and I both gave her a kiss on her cheek and we placed her in her bassinet and handed her off to the nurse.  And just as the nurse was leaving with her she asked us if we had a picture of the three of us to which I replied “no”.  She offered to take one of us three and I am so thankful for that.  It’s the only picture we have as a family, just the three of us.