Our days after Layne’s funeral were spent with family. I did not want to be alone – in fact I was almost scared to be alone. I needed the company of my husband, friends, and family. They truly are what got me through the worst days, weeks, and months of my life. I often think how our story would be different if we were going through all of what we did with Layne just a few short months later – during a national pandemic. I have no idea how I would have made it. I am sure I would have figured out a way, because that is what you do, but it would have made things that much harder. Jeff and I never had to be alone during our time spent fighting for Layne. Our parents and family were always physically there with us every single step of the way. I cannot fathom going to all my appointments without them being there, or not playing cards with them in the lobby of our hotel because of COVID, or them not being able to meet Layne at the hospital after she passed. I truly am so thankful that our time spent fighting for Layne occurred when it did.
I feel like I went off on a bit of a tangent there, but I just cannot help but feel grateful for how supportive our families are. We truly are blessed.
Now that we were home and getting settled in I had the reality of maternity leave hit me. I had been looking forward to that time since I found out I was pregnant. I had been saving up my PTO for months to be able to spend as much time as possible at home with Layne before going back to work. I was still healing from major surgery and needed the time away from work to do so, but I had no baby to care for. I suddenly did not want to be home anymore. I was ready to get back to work. I wanted the distraction that work could provide me, but I wasn’t medically cleared to return. I am not one to sit still and rest, but I needed to. I wanted to make sure I healed properly and I certainly did not want any complications. Another thing that took me off guard was my milk coming in. I work on stopping milk production in the hospital, but it does not happen overnight. I used cabbage leaves and doubled up on sports bras for added pressure. It took about three solid weeks to finally dry up.
The evenings were especially hard for me in the day and weeks following Layne’s passing. I was able to keep my mind occupied during the day for the most part, but at night is when my mind would wonder. Every night was a struggle. I would often find myself scrolling through all her pictures in my phone and it was like salt on an open wound. I felt every pain and emotion all over again. It was tough, and those feelings lasted for a couple of weeks. As time went on it became easier, but I remember the evenings being very hard for me.
As the days and weeks went by things began to get easier with each passing day. Looking back, I am surprised with how well I was able to put my clothes on, put a smile on and get myself back out into the world. As much as I wanted to crawl in a hole and not face the world – I knew I had to. And for me, the easiest way to do that was to just do it. The first time out of the house doing normal regular everyday stuff was hard. It was like even though MY world completely stopped the world around me kept going. On the outside I was a normal 26-year-old walking the aisles of the grocery store, but on the inside, I was a grieving mother that just lost her child. I was tender and emotional, but holding it together and staying strong was important to me. Not because I didn’t have breakdowns, but because I know Layne would want me to be strong.
Getting back out into the world and trying to find the new Ashlyn was tough, but I am thankful I did it. I am thankful I did not allow myself to slip into a dark place after everything that happened.